Doctor crap

So I went to the University a couple of weeks ago to see if they had any clinical trials going on per my oncologist. They were very thorough in their assessment of me but much to my chagrin, they didn't have any trials for my particular cancer. You know that rare shit that I have. Some kinda sarcoma *carcinosarcoma with features of adenocarcinoma* that is aggressive as hell and has docs all up in arms and shit. Six rounds of chemo have been suggested. That will take me well into June possibly July. I ain't looking forward to this at all.

I haven't been scared outta my skull YET but these last few days, oh boy I have come quite close. I don't need an exorbitant amount of time alone because that is when my mind plays tricks on me. Tricks like, oh gurl you know when they spout that rare, aggressive shit that means your ass is grass, or will be under the grass shortly.

Not good, not good in the least bit. Especially when you hear, "Oh you're so young to have THIS type of cancer."

Um, excuse me, what type of cancer should I want to have? I'll take none please for $1000.00 Alex.

My goodness it feels like a million years since I've been diagnosed but it's only been 4 months. Probably feels so long because of all the crap I've been through.

Nov. 16, 2008 - Radical Hysterectomy and then two days later released from the hospital

Two weeks later readmitted for suspected abscess of the abdomen and released five days later.

Two weeks later readmitted again for massive bleeding possible vaginal cuff injury which later turned out to be tissue breakdown. Resulted in another (emergency) surgery. Stayed in the hospital 8 long ass days and contracted the most awful CD.IFF. infection. Released from the hospital on Christmas Eve feeling like death warmed over from the infection. I lost my appetite and didn't eat the entire time I was there. The massive diarrhea didn't help matters either. That lasted three hellatious long weeks.

With the help of probiotics *suggested by the best blogger buddy and her sister ever* I finally started to feel like myself around the first or second week in January and here you have me still waiting for chemo on this second week in Feb.

Things just don't seem to be going my way. I was supposed to have a portacath implanted last week and my surgeon had an inhouse emergency so my surgery was cancelled, or postponed until this week. I'll find out what time I actually will have it implanted later on today.

Then chemo will start.

Six cycles of carboplatin and paclitaxel. Whoo hoo!!!!!!! NOT!!!

The oncologist is rabid!!! Well not rabid but really wanting to get me started ASAP because this cancer is soooooooo aggressive and THAT scares me. She scares me with the intensity of wanting me to get this poison shot all up in me and QUICKLY.

I call myself looking for stories of survival and all that good ish and what do I find but the survival rate for this cancer is like a lousy 10%. Dahell????

I swear I'm trying really hard to stay upbeat and positive but it's getting difficult. My dreams are starting to pressure me too. I dream vividly and most of my dreams come true.

I wanna dream about beautiful endings that let me live out a long life filled with good health and all that jazz. But all I can come up with is you ain't gonna make it dude. Doesn't look good for you dude. That mountain is too high to climb dude!!!

DAMN!!!!!

I hate having cancer!!!!!!!

I haven't been to a support group yet because I thought I was dealing well with this but um, now, not so much. I feel like I'm losing and I haven't even begun yet.

I was really sad today and usually a drive in my car with the sun shining down on my skin makes me feel better but it didn't cure me today. I kinda just wallowed in my sadness for a while. I have to let myself feel that sadness and not just throw roses and shit and say all is well all the damn time.

FUCK YOU cancer!!!!!!!!!

Someone told me never put cancer in CAPS. If I never put it in caps will it promise to go away?

Far, far away????