Friday, February 20, 2009

Cycle one down

Wow it's over and am I ever glad. The day started early with a stop to Dollface chica's school for the Black History competition. That girl towers over everyone she is soooooo tall!!!! I get such a joy out of seeing kids being excited at learning new things and getting praised for it.

When I left, her team * 4 in all with one from grades 1-4 *, was in first place. Go Dollface, Go Dollface!!! Later in the day I learned her team came in second place by only 10 points. One question = 10 points and bonus questions were worth 20 points. She was happy!! She got to bring home a big trophy. She probably wanted to sleep with it knowing that child!!!

I had to leave early because chemo was scheduled for 11:00 this morning. Dollface wasn't happy that I was leaving but I had to go. I couldn't show up late for my first chemo treatment could I????

When we arrived mom had that look on her face and she kept looking at me and I was like It's alright, I'm good.

My nurse was a gem, she kept us laughing and that was desperately needed. It takes a certain type of nurse to work in the oncology dept. day in and day out. Total angels, each and every one of them, 5 nurses in all.

The room had 4 big lazyboy like chairs for 4 patients. Three patients were already there. They were all very nice. One lady was getting a blood transfusion, been there, done that and the other two gentlemen were receiving chemo. It's pretty unsettling seeing this, especially when they look really, really sick. I'm praying I don't look sickly as I progress forward with treatment, is that wrong? Maybe if I look sick, that means this crap will work better. I know crazy thinking, my mind is awash with all things weird and strange concerning this cancer crap!!!

My port was still very tender but my nurse told me take a deep breath in when she had to stick the needle in it. So I did and it only hurt for 3 seconds maybe 5 but no more after that. THANK GOD!!!!

We watched a video of what to expect with treatment that lasted for about 20 or so minutes while we waited for my meds to be brought up from the pharmacy.

I had to have 4 intravenous meds before chemo today. 2 for nausea, another steriod and of course the usual saline. Man I'm gonna blow the fugg up behind these roids!!!! I read in a few of my pamphlets that my face and body are gonna swell, damn! But it is what it is right? Oh shoot I'm bloated already. I just tried to wrap my hand around my wrist and it's tight. Yeah it's the jacked upedness of me being a weight loss surgery patient. Next I'll be checking to see if I can still see my collarbones and getting on the damn scale every five minutes!!!!!!


Those meds took 20 minutes each. Pretty small IV bags and then I had the two chemos given. Taxol and Carbo, short versions.

My meds started a little after 1:00 this afternoon and they unhooked me at 6:30 this evening.

During the day I read, ate my snacks, watched a little tv, journaled, talked on the phone, napped, napped some more, sweated cause chemo gives you a serious, serious, hot flash, ate some more snacks and just contemplated the day.

This was some experience and I'm glad it's over.

I'm scheduled for my next cycle on March 13th. I'm just realizing that's Friday the 13th, the hell!! I'm getting it changed, not only for that particular date but mom goes to her exercise, bible study, dance classes on Fridays. Can't have her missing her stuff because of this, although she doesn't mind, right now anyways LOL!

Planning a trip, only in the planning stages for a trip to the house of the mouse for this spring or when Dollface gets out of school. Treatment should be over hopefully by then and we can go have some super duper fun in Florida.

Maybe we can go to Texas for Spring break if it doesn't coincide with my treatment, depending on how I'll be feeling. She and I both need to get away somewhere. She has big standardized tests coming up in the next two weeks that determine if the students pass to the next grade. I really don't like the standardized tests at all. Hated them as a kid and hate em now.

Off to bed in a few, it's been a long, long day!

Thanks for all the prayers and good wishes everyone, it does this heart good!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Bloodwork done

I still have a headache today and my neck is feeling better thanks to the pain pill I took last night. I went and had my bloodwork done early this morning and yes chemo definitely starts tomorrow.

You guys I'm dreading this!!! It's like so surreal to me now because it's finally here. I think mom is getting panicked too. But she's putting on a good front. She told me today that she loves me but she's not sitting in that chemo suite with me for 4-6 hours, so she can be snoring and get totally embarrassed.

Yeah right you don't want to watch the poison run through me. I get it. She said she'll stay for a while but not the entire time :(

I'll probably be asleep anyways. Gotta pack a bag to take with me like I did when I went for my first blood transfusion. You know a good book, a mag or two, my suduko game, a word search book, my hardback journal, snacks, my blanket and some clorox wipes *last time I was there it was only one bathroom that everyone used, massive YUCK!!!* and nobody wiped down the chairs when one person left from just having chemo, or a shot. Hell I had a damn blood transfusion and I was creeped the hell out by someone else's blood pumping though my veins. Just germs every.damn.where. ICK!!
Not to mention an elderly man who had to urinate sitting right there *curtains drawn of course* but still, because he couldn't walk.

Yours truly was leaving before the curtain was drawn again so I don't know how they handled the clean up behind that one. Plastic bottle urinal and all. *shudders* Ewwwwww!!!

Ok so at 11:00pm I have to take 5 tablets of Dexamethasone and at 5:00am I have to take another 5 tablets. This is a steroid that is supposed to help with my immune system. Then tomorrow if I feel sick after chemo, I'm to take one tablet of prochlorperazine every 8 hours as needed and one tablet of pantoprazole every day for 30 days. *sigh*

Then another cycle of chemo in three weeks. Six cycles in all.

Oh and you know I'm going to see my Dollface tomorrow beforehand. I just can't stay for the whole competition. That will perk me up for sure!

I'll update on how I really feel after tomorrow is over.

I can't believe it either.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Portacath done

I went today to get my portacath surgically implanted. I arrived at the hospital at ten this morning and I was wheeled into surgery about 1:00pm. Let me just say I hate hospitals with a burning bloody passion. I don't care how supportive the staff is, I hate being there. Don't get me wrong, I love that these folks go out of their way to be kind but it doesn't make me feel like ooooh I love being in this joint!

I guess no one really would choose to have to be in the hospital huh?

Guess who mom saw while I was in surgery??? My oncologist!!!!!!!! Lemme tell you that woman talks so damn fast, like speedy Gonzalez. She wanted chemo to start tomorrow, shiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttt!!!!!!!

Luckily I have to have a round of blood work done before hand so chemo will have to wait until Friday.

I'm like damn can a sista heal from this procedure first? She's like hell no we need to get your treatment started right away. So first thing in the morning I have to go and get some bloodwork done and then on Friday...

Right now my body is really sore from the procedure. They implanted it kinda like in my shoulder/clavicle and it's super tender. Plus my throat hurts from the anesthesia they gave me. Why does that stuff mess with you like that????

Yeah hospitals suck man!!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Doctor crap

So I went to the University a couple of weeks ago to see if they had any clinical trials going on per my oncologist. They were very thorough in their assessment of me but much to my chagrin, they didn't have any trials for my particular cancer. You know that rare shit that I have. Some kinda sarcoma *carcinosarcoma with features of adenocarcinoma* that is aggressive as hell and has docs all up in arms and shit. Six rounds of chemo have been suggested. That will take me well into June possibly July. I ain't looking forward to this at all.

I haven't been scared outta my skull YET but these last few days, oh boy I have come quite close. I don't need an exorbitant amount of time alone because that is when my mind plays tricks on me. Tricks like, oh gurl you know when they spout that rare, aggressive shit that means your ass is grass, or will be under the grass shortly.

Not good, not good in the least bit. Especially when you hear, "Oh you're so young to have THIS type of cancer."

Um, excuse me, what type of cancer should I want to have? I'll take none please for $1000.00 Alex.

My goodness it feels like a million years since I've been diagnosed but it's only been 4 months. Probably feels so long because of all the crap I've been through.

Nov. 16, 2008 - Radical Hysterectomy and then two days later released from the hospital

Two weeks later readmitted for suspected abscess of the abdomen and released five days later.

Two weeks later readmitted again for massive bleeding possible vaginal cuff injury which later turned out to be tissue breakdown. Resulted in another (emergency) surgery. Stayed in the hospital 8 long ass days and contracted the most awful CD.IFF. infection. Released from the hospital on Christmas Eve feeling like death warmed over from the infection. I lost my appetite and didn't eat the entire time I was there. The massive diarrhea didn't help matters either. That lasted three hellatious long weeks.

With the help of probiotics *suggested by the best blogger buddy and her sister ever* I finally started to feel like myself around the first or second week in January and here you have me still waiting for chemo on this second week in Feb.

Things just don't seem to be going my way. I was supposed to have a portacath implanted last week and my surgeon had an inhouse emergency so my surgery was cancelled, or postponed until this week. I'll find out what time I actually will have it implanted later on today.

Then chemo will start.

Six cycles of carboplatin and paclitaxel. Whoo hoo!!!!!!! NOT!!!

The oncologist is rabid!!! Well not rabid but really wanting to get me started ASAP because this cancer is soooooooo aggressive and THAT scares me. She scares me with the intensity of wanting me to get this poison shot all up in me and QUICKLY.

I call myself looking for stories of survival and all that good ish and what do I find but the survival rate for this cancer is like a lousy 10%. Dahell????

I swear I'm trying really hard to stay upbeat and positive but it's getting difficult. My dreams are starting to pressure me too. I dream vividly and most of my dreams come true.

I wanna dream about beautiful endings that let me live out a long life filled with good health and all that jazz. But all I can come up with is you ain't gonna make it dude. Doesn't look good for you dude. That mountain is too high to climb dude!!!


I hate having cancer!!!!!!!

I haven't been to a support group yet because I thought I was dealing well with this but um, now, not so much. I feel like I'm losing and I haven't even begun yet.

I was really sad today and usually a drive in my car with the sun shining down on my skin makes me feel better but it didn't cure me today. I kinda just wallowed in my sadness for a while. I have to let myself feel that sadness and not just throw roses and shit and say all is well all the damn time.

FUCK YOU cancer!!!!!!!!!

Someone told me never put cancer in CAPS. If I never put it in caps will it promise to go away?

Far, far away????

Monday, February 9, 2009

Ok so this is new

I've decided to come the hell over to this side of bloggyland cause I've been missing some of my favs. I can't access their blogs from over on my other blog. I'm not giving that one up I guess I'll have two blogs for now.

So anyways this one probably won't get used as much as the other. I don't know right now. With all that's going on in my life this might become my online journal. All the hospital stuff and whatnot might get thrown over here.

That's all for now.